I think it’s true you don’t know what you don’t know until you do. But your story also has a lot of elements I recognize from my marriage, and your ex husband sounds like an emotional abuser to me. Creating situations where you doubted your agency is something that people do when they gaslight you. I used to think things in my marriage were normal because I was so used to dealing with them. Then I would talk to friends and much like your friend did, they would correct me. They would point out how much I was putting up with that wasn’t normal. My husband was seriously emotionally neglectful and it was damaging to me. I guess my point is that you should not blame yourself for everything that happened. Even if you were naive, you were still treated poorly and deserved better.