Someone Posted My Contact Info On 4Chan

And all I could do was laugh hysterically

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Photo by Freshh Connection on Unsplash

It all started with a flurry of message notifications on a usually-quiet Sunday afternoon. I’m used to getting random messages on Kik from guys who would join the groups I was in, message all the women, and leave. I have a few regular chat buddies as well, who I hear from occasionally.

This was different.

Message requests from half a dozen men I’d never heard of, ranging from ‘Hey’ to ‘Wanna have some naughty fun with an 18 year old Canadian guy?’

Sidenote: no, no I don’t. I passed a milestone this year, which is that I am now old enough that it would be conceivable for me to have an 18 year old son who wasn’t even a teen pregnancy. I have an actual son who is 13, so not just a little closer in age, but effectively in the same stage of life as an 18 year old. I just can’t do it, kid. Sorrynotsorry.

As the phone dinged with messages, I was perplexed. Where were all of these people coming from?

Then, John Smith (definitely his real name, don’t you think?) messaged me. He told me he wasn’t really interested in talking, but that someone had posted my kik online and he “just thought I’d ruin everyone’s fun.” Posted it where, I asked? “4chan,” he replied.

What followed was like some sort of three-stooges situation where two late-thirty-somethings try to figure out exactly how to look at and search 4chan. That part was almost as funny as that this was even happening in the first place. Maybe even funnier. Finally, my boyfriend found the thread, which I managed to screenshot before it got deleted.

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Screenshot provided by author. Screen names blacked out for privacy.

AmaltheaX is a fat kinky slut I used to work with. Post wins if you get them.

I know that this is supposed to be a terrible thing, but when I saw it, I just couldn’t stop laughing. I have no idea who posted it. Where did they work with me? My last job? At the BSPC? Why did they do it?! I wanted so badly to be able to talk to that person and ask them why out of genuine curiosity.

I have so many questions. Like, is this person angry with me? Does someone out there have a vendetta against me? Because that seems very movie-plotish, doesn’t it? Do I, an almost-40 suburban mom and office worker, warrant a vendetta? Do they think that I would be upset with being referred to as 1. fat, 2. kinky, or 3. a slut? Because I’m pretty sure I own the fact that I am all three of those things, and that none of them are anything to be ashamed of.

Also, who are these men? How has it come about that this is the best thing they can think of to do with their time? Do any of them really believe that they are going to message any of these women on Kik and be rewarded with something sexy or fantastic?

My brain considered being mad, but it just wasn’t happening. The entire situation seemed too hilarious to me. In 4chan years I am pretty sure I’m about 100, and I don’t really understand what it’s for or how to navigate it. It seems like a kind of awful pit full of incels and trolls and people who have way more time for the internet than I do. So it’s kind of funny that I was even mentioned there. I’m surprised that we were even able to find the post.

Maybe I should be angry at the person who posted it, and at all of these men who were posting women’s screen-names without permission and saying what were obviously meant to be disparaging things about them. The post was removed fairly quickly, and to be honest I mostly just feel bad for those guys. They’re not good people, or at the very least are making poor decisions about how they’re spending their time and treating other people.

I realize it’s a privilege that I was able to see the humor in it, too. I’m lucky that for me, this isn’t a big deal, it’s such a non-incident that I don’t have to think about it further. Would I have thought it was as funny if someone had posted a photo of me? Probably not.

At the same time, there was something weirdly validating about having someone share my name that way. It’s like when you get your first troll and part of you is annoyed, but another part of you is like… wait, does this mean I’ve made it? When did I become important enough to have trolls and nemeses?!

I felt weirdly accomplished at having reached this new level of internetting. I laid on my bed and answered the messages, reading the responses out loud to Scott for my own amusement and feeling like a walking 😂. Is there a badge for this? You’ve been targeted in the laziest manner possible! Here’s your trophy. Spoiler alert: it’s shaped like a sad banana.

The messages were mostly harmless, it might not be a surprise to hear that the kind of guy who gets the screen name of a “fat kinky slut” off 4chan and messages them “looking for wins” is neither articulate or polite. I only had to block one or two, the rest left me alone soon enough. At least one of them sent me a dick pick, but with a twist: in it he was sitting on his toilet. That’s not sexy! Why would you do that?!

My biggest regret about all of this is still that I don’t know who posted it. I wish I could laugh at them, and maybe laugh with them after I questioned them about their motives and pointed out that you can’t hurt someone with something they think is silly/hilarious/entertaining.

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Polyamorous, loud laughing unapologetic feminist, rad fatty, and epic sweet tooth.

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