This is How We Should Love: My Eulogy for Uncle John

In grief, I find hope

The first and best inside joke of my life, a love note buried with my favorite uncle in the deep South. Photo by author.

Clanton, Alabama
June 21, 2024

I sat down to write this a dozen times, and found my thoughts bouncing so quick and strong I wasn’t able to catch any of them. I thought about poetry and eulogies and memories and grief, but in the end my heart and mind kept returning to one thing — love.

I haven’t been in Alabama for over 20 years, but somehow when we crossed state lines from Georgia, a weight settled in my gut, like something deep inside me was stretching toward my roots. I don’t remember feeling this way when I was younger, and I’m not sure if it’s attached to the occasion or stories and memories or the certainty that developed this January in my soul that family and love and our histories and futures are precious and important and fleeting.

I came here from the evergreen state, but we don’t have green like the deep south. Verdant, vine-rich, and stunningly bright, and I can’t think of anything but how fitting it is because that’s what Uncle John was for me.

Every truth has its versions and every life its struggles. Your point of view is one possible gospel and this is mine. My memories of him are lively and full of wonder. The first set are mostly from holidays at Grandmom’s, full of laughter and joy and love. I don’t have many memories from when I was very small, but I can remember the feelings. The next set are from the last few years, after Uncle John found his way back to us. He would visit us in Washington, and I found comfort in the familiarity of his voice with the essence of Philly that makes me feel so at home. I was happy that bridges were being mended and that my mom and her siblings were finding a new way to be a family. But most of all in these last few years, Uncle John INSPIRED me.

He was boisterous and loud and full of wonder at the beauty of the world. I could feel it, how much he loved being alive on this planet, loved being with us and seeing our lives, and was full of compassion and dreams. I especially loved seeing the world through his eyes- the photos from his trips to see us and then the photos he took driving his truck, where he had the freedom to explore the better sides of this place.